On To Chapter 3

I've had a week to get comfortable with the idea.

On Monday, Dr Shivani called to tell me there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound - at 6 weeks, 5 days - since egg retrieval. We agreed to wait until Saturday (which was yesterday) just to be sure. Again, no heartbeat.

I was away on an extended, 8 day business trip when the news arrived Monday. The timing was rotten for Steve and I to be apart, but we managed to support one another via phone. Steve is always positive and rarely dwells on disappointments, but this time around I could tell he was having a hard time. He held onto hope all week.

It would be really easy to feel sorry for ourselves - super easy. I can't lie and say we haven't asked aloud 'why'. At the end of the day, though, there are a ton of people in the world facing far greater difficulties than this - it is important to keep perspective. We are strong and so is our relationship. We knew it wasn't going to be easy, and we also knew we were in it for the long haul. So, we will keep trying.

I feel so badly for our surrogate, but Dr Shivani assures me she is doing well. We will now wait for her to be prepared for another cycle. Remarkably, this will likely happen within 5 weeks or so. Given that we didn't have any embryos frozen (same story in both our 2 cycles), we will be selecting a new egg donor.

So, there you have it. Not great news to report, but we are doing just fine and feeling very positive. I do wish we had a crystal ball though - so we could see how long this journey will take - but, as I said in the last post...Patience.

Patience

'...the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset.'

It's Sunday, which means my brain has finally gotten a break from its normal modus operandi - overdrive. I love Sunday - we relax, we cook, we spend time in our outdoor spaces, we go to bed early. It is also a time when I try and sort through emotions and bring some clarity to how I'm feeling about our 'here and now'. No, I am not that deep a person - I promise! I just like to try and find some sense of peace before beginning a new week. Attending mass helps, but we, admittedly, do not make it to mass each and every Sunday. We are going later this morning for a much needed chat with God.

Now, neither of us are patient people. We could both be described as 'annoyed' or 'upset' when faced with a 'delay'...by definition, impatient. So, perhaps, this is a good starting point for priming the upcoming week. I read recently that, as humans, we under-value or 'discount' future reward in favor of a more immediate, short term reward. In baby-making terms, we are so focused on all the benchmarks/tests/hurdles that we lose sight of the future reward! We want a healthy baby - for a lifetime! So, that has to be the focus.

I would say we are getting better at this way of thinking. I have said this before in other postings - I do not like to wait for anything - I always pay for over night shipping! So, perhaps this baby journey is the ultimate life lesson in self improvement.

We received word from Dr Shivani yesterday that drives this point home even further. Our first ultrasound was not great news. The ultrasound done at 5w2d did show a gestational sac, but it was measuring at 4w2d - one week behind. It could be a late implantation or could be an early miscarriage. We have another ultrasound in one week - at 6w2d. If there is no fetal pole at that time, then we will have our answer. We were so incredibly disappointed yesterday, but we have to keep things in perspective.

This journey is filled with highs and lows. If you go back and read others' blogs from start to finish, you will be amazed with the range of emotions - one day on top of the world, the next day in the depths of depression. At the end of the day, you either embrace your own personal life experience and try to learn from it, or you drive yourself completely and totally nuts! All along the way, we've managed to do a little of both. At the present, though, we are doing more of the former - embracing and learning - both about ourselves and the way we react to disappointments. God knows it is not easy, but we are trying our best.

We are not ready to give up on this pregnancy just yet, but we are also prepared for a potential disappointment and prepared for it to be just that - disappointing, not devastating. Been there, done that.

Here's to keeping your eye on the future, long-term reward and not getting hung up in despair along the way...

105!

We jumped from 40 to 105!!! It doubled 1 1/2 times in under 48 hours. So, feeling a bit more relaxed today. Thank you again for all the wonderful, supportive emails and blog postings.

Our first ultrasound is next week.

Have a fabulous weekend everyone!

(+) Chapter 2

YAY! YAY! YAY!

I just got off an airplane and had a message from Dr Shivani. We just spoke and she gave me the news. Our beta is a little on the low side - 40 - so she is taking another blood test on Friday and will phone with the results. Let's pray it doubles!!

Deep breaths...

I cannot begin to express how much the support from so many of you has meant to us. It is so reassuring to know you have so many people cheering you on and wishing you well. Overwhelming.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

10/28/09

The date of our pregnancy test.

One week from Wednesday, 11 days, 12 nights.

We transferred 4 Grade A embryos to our surrogate today. Steve is convinced this is 'our time'. I'm not sure what to think. I know we've 'stacked the deck' - we have used a proven egg donor who is 22 years old and we have a surrogate with the most positive aura I could imagine. We transferred 4 Grade A's! Odds are very much in our favor, but the thing with odds is that there are no perfect odds...

Truth be told, I am feeling pretty positive about the outcome myself. The reality is this: you worry about getting a positive, then you worry about the hCG blood test rising, then you worry about getting to 12 weeks, then you worry about the triple marker, then you worry about.....

And you worry when you send them off to college. We've embarked on a lifetime of worries and that's the reality. My mother called me this morning to make sure I made it to Washington DC safely - yes, another biz trip. She was, yes, worried. I am, yes, 41. Whether we are pregnant this round or the next or the time after that, the worries will never stop - they've only begun. So, I will vow to stay off Dr Google, focus on productive activities and let nature have her way.

Until 10/28...happy thoughts.

Three Days Till Egg Pick Up...

Quick Update on Our Egg Donor: Heard from the doctor that the donor had 10 follicles on the last ultrasound with a few days of meds left to go. Because she has donated multiple times, the doctor knows what to expect from her response to the meds. She was honest with me when we met about what to expect. She said, 'this donor produces very few eggs, but very good quality - you will not likely have any embryos left for freezing.' So, we have known all along that we would probably only have one attempt with this particular donor. That said, hearing there were 10 follicles with a few days remaining sounds like we will have a few embies to pick from for transfer...and with any luck, just maybe some for freezing. Good news. This donor has gone thru three cycles with Dr Shivani and all three resulted in live births or ongoing pregnancies, so the odds are definitely on our side.

Quick Update on Our Surrogate: Her lining was already at 8mm last week, with several days to go before transfer, so we are in great shape there too! Dr S has said that she is a 'very cooperative surrogate'- never complaining about anything and very compliant with taking her meds. Evidently some of the surrogates can be quite 'fussy' as the Dr put it. When I met her she had brought a small gift for the doctor as she had just been at the temple praying for a positive outcome. She has quit her job as of a month ago to focus on this full time so I know she wants this to work as much as we do!

Egg pick up is Wednesday this week, Oct 14th...Pregnancy test results on Oct 28th!

Here we go again...'two week wait'- here we come!

Plan B - We Have Dates!

I cannot believe it has been almost a month since my last posting. Time has passed so quickly since returning from Delhi. I have been so busy with work that there has been little time for anything else. After returning from Delhi I was in Miami for a lengthy trip, then to Wash DC, then to Boston. Now home for two weeks...whew! Steve has felt like a bit of a widower. Only yesterday, after hearing from Dr Shivani, did it hit us - 'Wow! We are actually doing this again!'

We had a bit of a delay as our surrogate was 'late' - almost 10 days late actually. All systems are 'go' now and the egg pick up is planned for approximately Oct 14 or 15 with a 2-day embryo transfer on either Oct 16 or 17 - barring any complications. So, that means pregnancy test results on Oct 30 or 31. All approximations, but it still feels good to look at a calendar and make this all more real.

What a difference a little time and a little experience makes. We are so much more relaxed this time around. We have few expectations - perhaps we will be fortunate or perhaps we will need to try again - either way, that is just fine. I think the most important thing is that we feel like there is a compassionate doctor - a half world away. Life experiences shape who we are - they shape our expectations and they shape our tolerance and they shape our priorities. Had we not had the experience with our last pregnancy - and clinic - then our expectations, priorities and tolerances would be quite different this time around. But, we did have our last experience and so, today, what means most is compassion, empathy, patience, kindness. Not that any of these things negate skill level, medical expertise or credentials - because they do not. But, bedside manner is priceless.

Selection of a medical practitioner is such a personal choice. Our experiences with these individuals are also very personal. I would like to think there is a productive way for all of us pursuing surrogacy in India to both share our journey publicly and also, safely, share of our personal experiences - past and present. I think it is wonderful that there are so many practitioners pioneering reproductive therapies in India. Choice is a beautiful thing! I guess what I am trying to say is this - share your experiences because they are yours to share and no one can take that away from you, but please think twice before attacking a clinic, doctor, agency or service provider simply for the sake of publicly airing a grievance. It does no one good. This is a difficult enough journey as it is and I think it is safe to say we all created these blogs and on-line friendships for support - so, let's support one another. Can we not accept that there are several reputable service providers and that all thing considered equal, what works for one IP may not work for the next - and that is OK?

Fall is in the air here in LA - the evenings and mornings are brisk. It is my favorite time of the year. It's funny how seasonality affects everything about our psyche. Life moves and feels differently with the change of each season - ever how slight the change in a temperate climate like ours. Even so, I wonder how it might feel to be pregnant now versus how it felt in the warmer, summer months. Quite different I expect. With pumpkins and then the December holidays, I suspect our entire experience will feel quite different this time around - and we are really, really excited about that!