Sunday, November 22, 2009

On To Chapter 3

I've had a week to get comfortable with the idea.

On Monday, Dr Shivani called to tell me there was no heartbeat on the ultrasound - at 6 weeks, 5 days - since egg retrieval. We agreed to wait until Saturday (which was yesterday) just to be sure. Again, no heartbeat.

I was away on an extended, 8 day business trip when the news arrived Monday. The timing was rotten for Steve and I to be apart, but we managed to support one another via phone. Steve is always positive and rarely dwells on disappointments, but this time around I could tell he was having a hard time. He held onto hope all week.

It would be really easy to feel sorry for ourselves - super easy. I can't lie and say we haven't asked aloud 'why'. At the end of the day, though, there are a ton of people in the world facing far greater difficulties than this - it is important to keep perspective. We are strong and so is our relationship. We knew it wasn't going to be easy, and we also knew we were in it for the long haul. So, we will keep trying.

I feel so badly for our surrogate, but Dr Shivani assures me she is doing well. We will now wait for her to be prepared for another cycle. Remarkably, this will likely happen within 5 weeks or so. Given that we didn't have any embryos frozen (same story in both our 2 cycles), we will be selecting a new egg donor.

So, there you have it. Not great news to report, but we are doing just fine and feeling very positive. I do wish we had a crystal ball though - so we could see how long this journey will take - but, as I said in the last post...Patience.

Sunday, November 8, 2009


'...the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset.'

It's Sunday, which means my brain has finally gotten a break from its normal modus operandi - overdrive. I love Sunday - we relax, we cook, we spend time in our outdoor spaces, we go to bed early. It is also a time when I try and sort through emotions and bring some clarity to how I'm feeling about our 'here and now'. No, I am not that deep a person - I promise! I just like to try and find some sense of peace before beginning a new week. Attending mass helps, but we, admittedly, do not make it to mass each and every Sunday. We are going later this morning for a much needed chat with God.

Now, neither of us are patient people. We could both be described as 'annoyed' or 'upset' when faced with a 'delay' definition, impatient. So, perhaps, this is a good starting point for priming the upcoming week. I read recently that, as humans, we under-value or 'discount' future reward in favor of a more immediate, short term reward. In baby-making terms, we are so focused on all the benchmarks/tests/hurdles that we lose sight of the future reward! We want a healthy baby - for a lifetime! So, that has to be the focus.

I would say we are getting better at this way of thinking. I have said this before in other postings - I do not like to wait for anything - I always pay for over night shipping! So, perhaps this baby journey is the ultimate life lesson in self improvement.

We received word from Dr Shivani yesterday that drives this point home even further. Our first ultrasound was not great news. The ultrasound done at 5w2d did show a gestational sac, but it was measuring at 4w2d - one week behind. It could be a late implantation or could be an early miscarriage. We have another ultrasound in one week - at 6w2d. If there is no fetal pole at that time, then we will have our answer. We were so incredibly disappointed yesterday, but we have to keep things in perspective.

This journey is filled with highs and lows. If you go back and read others' blogs from start to finish, you will be amazed with the range of emotions - one day on top of the world, the next day in the depths of depression. At the end of the day, you either embrace your own personal life experience and try to learn from it, or you drive yourself completely and totally nuts! All along the way, we've managed to do a little of both. At the present, though, we are doing more of the former - embracing and learning - both about ourselves and the way we react to disappointments. God knows it is not easy, but we are trying our best.

We are not ready to give up on this pregnancy just yet, but we are also prepared for a potential disappointment and prepared for it to be just that - disappointing, not devastating. Been there, done that.

Here's to keeping your eye on the future, long-term reward and not getting hung up in despair along the way...