I hate it.
You would think I would relish the calm, but I like the opposite. All the activity and the noise - kids, dogs - it makes me feel so alive. Hard to explain. I've never minded being alone but boy do I love having a family. A family - WOW - never thought that could be mine, but it is. Amazing.
The boys are 7 weeks old today and they are growing so fast it is remarkable. We haven't weighed them recently but they have outgrown all the newborn clothes and are too big for Stage 1-2 Pampers! Jag is well over 10 lbs and Ajay is catching up quickly. They eat 5-6 oz (around 175ml) at every feeding!! They are sleeping pretty well - consistently feeding at around 1:30am and then making it through to early morning. We are really lucky.
That's five mouths to feed...before Steve and I even get a morsel for ourselves! I wouldn't have it any other way...
Never before has it been so attainable for a same sex couple to have the opportunity to have what so many take for granted...children...to love, teach and share this beautiful life with. In so many ways, we are living in the best of times. Growing up gay is difficult. If you are raised with any semblance of faith in God, you are concerned at some point that you are a mistake or sick or not worthy of heaven. I was well into my twenties before I ever felt completely comfortable in my own skin. There is so much in the news media right now about gay teens and the sky rocketing suicide rate - four times the rate of their straight counterparts. I pray for the day when everyone will know that God doesn't make mistakes and all these troubled kids (of which I was once one) will know they are loved and that it does get easier and that you can live a fulfilling life in a society that generally denigrates your circumstances. I was having a conversation with a very important person in my life recently. He is intelligent and provocative and he asked me - 'if you knew one of your boys was born gay, and you could, with the wave of a magic wand, change him, and make him straight, would you do so without anyone, including your son, knowing what you had done?' Without a second of thought, I responded - 'absolutely'. Now, this is very different than asking me if I care whether they were born gay or not. I could care less. They are my kids and I love them unconditionally. If they are straight, I pray they will be tolerant of all human beings' differences. If they are not, I pray we will be worthy role models for learning to live life to the fullest in a world that is not nearly as compassionate or empathetic as one would hope. Progress is slow, but we are making big steps forward and if ever there was any question, we are living proof.
And, we are having a blast! It is so much work but Steve has more energy than a ten year old so he is hardly phased. I have been traveling like a crazy person for work and my mom has been Steve's sidekick. There is little time for anything except babies and work. I cannot believe we have been home for three weeks and I have not posted on the blog. No time. When I do have a spare moment I just sit and stare at the boys - I can look at them for hours and never get bored. When I was in LA last week I would look at videos and photos of them every night before I went off to sleep and each time I would get just a little teary eyed. We love them so much it hurts.
Leaving Delhi. Jag passed out on my luggage. The new international airport is stunning. It rivals any airport in the world - efficient, clean and modern. Last year you had to navigate a barrage of farm animals to even get thru to the terminal!
'Where's the Mother?'
I kid you not, we must have been asked this question in excess of 50 times. I kid you not! It started with the security at the entrance to the airport and continued with every Indian national that walked past. It became offensive at some point. We had our story. Each time we were asked we replied 'at home, she's at home'. Some puzzled looks, some further questioning. Some accepted and walked away. For a select few, the interrogation continued. A couple of times I got carried away with our 'tale of the missing mother'. I finally told one person she had to work and couldn't go with us! Ugh. I did not relax until the wheels left the tarmac and we were airborne. The American Airlines flight attendants were amazing. We were in business class and I had bulkhead seats (the airline blocked the seat next to me - so nice) and Steve sat across the aisle. They will not allow two adults in one row with lap children because there are only three oxygen masks and that doesn't jive with four mouths. They brought a bassinet for one and the other slept in the seat next to me. Several times the flight attendants took them for a period. One flight attendant held Ajay in the jump seat, fed him, changed him and let me sleep. The 15 hour trip was really painless.
We appreciate India and thank God for the USA!
It is good to be home and good to be alive...