Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A New Day

Since my last posting, I have had a very amicable email exchange with the docs at Rotunda. I wrote that last post with no hidden agenda - there were things that needed to be written and Steve and I needed to share them and move on. Much to my surprise I received a rather detailed apology - acknowledgment - validation. I actually cried and shook reading the email. As important as it was for us to share our past experience, it is equally important to share this. The group at Rotunda are trying to make improvements and are adding staff - there was acknowledgment that what is really lacking more than communication is 'sensitivity'. The apology was heartfelt and I can say with all sincerity that there is at least one person in that operation that I will remain in contact with - I have promised to send a baby photo to this person - and that I will do. All in good time. I thank them for everything.

Plan B. We never knew what Plan B was going to be. We knew there would be one if needed and a Plan C, D, E...fortunately for us, Plan B has come together quite simply. We are very excited to report that we are moving forward quickly with a new clinic, doctor, egg donor and surrogate. I fly out to Delhi this coming Sunday. I am going to be touring the hospital, signing the legals, meeting the surrogate and leaving some of my DNA in the freezer...enough for Plan B, C, D, E...just in case. We cycle in just a few weeks time.

Given that I haven't been to the clinic yet, I can't share much. I can tell you my perceptions - every egg donor profile we received showed, at minimum, a 12th grade education and the doctor signed the first email 'I look forward to meeting you'. That's just about the touchiest, feeliest email I have received from India to date - aside from the aforementioned apology.

Sign me up.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Time to Regroup

It has been almost a week now. A couple of sleepless nights. A new plan. More on that in a future post.

A few things that I want to share and then closing this chapter and moving onto the next. First of all, we do not blame anyone for this outcome. We know in our hearts that this baby was simply not healthy enough to carry on. Yes, we are saddened, disappointed and to some extent disheartened, but we have to keep trying. And we will keep trying...not with the same clinic however.

Now, nothing magically changed in our relationship (with the clinic) with the arrival of this news. In fact, the handling of the miscarriage was a mirror image of the 4 months leading up to this event. After several days of thinking, one thing is clear - when you want something from a relationship, you focus on the positive - halo effect of sorts. You recognize the challenges, but you choose to focus on the positive. That is my best characterization. In this relationship, the communication was poor - at times non-existent. It drove me (particularly me more than Steve) crazy! I have written about this more times than I can count. The workload of the small team in this clinic is immense and I am amazed they manage to deliver the service they do today.

If we had carried this baby to term, we would have still said the communication was horrible, but we would have been much more forgiving. I do see attempts to improve. For example, when you email the clinic today, you will receive an auto responder that advises a 48 hour response and direction if you do not receive a response in that time frame. Yes, this is an improvement. I hope continued progress is made. With so many successes to date, they know what they are doing when it comes to assisted reproductive medicine. There is no denying that. If the service component were improved, the total package would be incredible.

So, in closing, we find that moving forward with this particular clinic is both cost prohibitive (2/3 of the surrogacy fees are non-refundable, as per the contract, in a 1st trimester miscarriage) and emotionally prohibitive. I am just not the type that can go weeks on end with no news about my unborn child - just can't handle it. Maybe that's my issue, so I'll 'own' that one. There's no easy way to write this last part and not sound bitter, but it needs to be written - we did not receive one update from the clinic between the 7 week scan and the notification of the miscarriage (5 weeks exactly) and the news of the did we learn of this loss?

In an email.

Chapter closed.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009


Not really sure how to write this one...

All I can say is, we are ok. Our surrogate miscarried yesterday. It was 12 weeks to the date of conception and she was already scheduled for an ultrasound. She began bleeding severely and when they performed the ultrasound her uterus was empty.

I am sure we are in a little shock, but at the same time, we know that God takes care of unhealthy babies this way - and there is tremendous reassurance in that.

We have some decisions to make now as to where we go from here. We had just sent the final payment to Rotunda so I have to see how much of a credit we will have with them before any further plans can be made.

Rest assured, we will keep trying.

Much Love,
Terry and Steve