Sunday, November 8, 2009


'...the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without becoming annoyed or upset.'

It's Sunday, which means my brain has finally gotten a break from its normal modus operandi - overdrive. I love Sunday - we relax, we cook, we spend time in our outdoor spaces, we go to bed early. It is also a time when I try and sort through emotions and bring some clarity to how I'm feeling about our 'here and now'. No, I am not that deep a person - I promise! I just like to try and find some sense of peace before beginning a new week. Attending mass helps, but we, admittedly, do not make it to mass each and every Sunday. We are going later this morning for a much needed chat with God.

Now, neither of us are patient people. We could both be described as 'annoyed' or 'upset' when faced with a 'delay' definition, impatient. So, perhaps, this is a good starting point for priming the upcoming week. I read recently that, as humans, we under-value or 'discount' future reward in favor of a more immediate, short term reward. In baby-making terms, we are so focused on all the benchmarks/tests/hurdles that we lose sight of the future reward! We want a healthy baby - for a lifetime! So, that has to be the focus.

I would say we are getting better at this way of thinking. I have said this before in other postings - I do not like to wait for anything - I always pay for over night shipping! So, perhaps this baby journey is the ultimate life lesson in self improvement.

We received word from Dr Shivani yesterday that drives this point home even further. Our first ultrasound was not great news. The ultrasound done at 5w2d did show a gestational sac, but it was measuring at 4w2d - one week behind. It could be a late implantation or could be an early miscarriage. We have another ultrasound in one week - at 6w2d. If there is no fetal pole at that time, then we will have our answer. We were so incredibly disappointed yesterday, but we have to keep things in perspective.

This journey is filled with highs and lows. If you go back and read others' blogs from start to finish, you will be amazed with the range of emotions - one day on top of the world, the next day in the depths of depression. At the end of the day, you either embrace your own personal life experience and try to learn from it, or you drive yourself completely and totally nuts! All along the way, we've managed to do a little of both. At the present, though, we are doing more of the former - embracing and learning - both about ourselves and the way we react to disappointments. God knows it is not easy, but we are trying our best.

We are not ready to give up on this pregnancy just yet, but we are also prepared for a potential disappointment and prepared for it to be just that - disappointing, not devastating. Been there, done that.

Here's to keeping your eye on the future, long-term reward and not getting hung up in despair along the way...


Doug and Bill said...
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Doug and Bill said...

Some of the friendships I've made while blogging about this experience has made me feel that some of these babies are my babies too. That may sound weird but I hope and pray that this pregnancy stays healthy and uneventful as though it were my own. Thinking very good thoughts for you guys.

Oh, and can I copy and paste 99% of what you said and add it as my latest entry??? :-)

Big hugs to you,

Tigerlilycat said...

So, so sorry that you're going through this (again...) - but a perfect post. In my opinion, one of the most important things with a surrogacy is working out how you'll survive the journey and you seem to have that nailed! So keep focussed and remember that there is a LOT more to achieving this goal. I still can't believe our miracle x 2 are not only here, but they're ours for life.

Anonymous said...

We are thinking of you both!!! Your journey is very similar to ours. We wish you all the best... The ultra-sound is very early so please try and relax and take it easy (so easy to say I should practice what I preach!!!)... All our thoughts and best wishes Will & Michael

mehdirah said...

A bit more patience and wait the next scan... Your beta was growing nicely, so don't give up yet.

Courage guys. And good luck :-)


Danielle said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Hang in there.


Kane said...

Having gone through beta hell a couple of times, I can totally understand your range of emotions.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I sincerely hope that everything works out and that you get the news you're longing to hear.

Lots of love to you both.


Anonymous said...

My thoughts are with you and my prayers. Janine

jojo said...

how bizarre - my computer got swapped accidently with another guy at work and when i logged on, i automatically logged into his google account. I didn't realise till i checked my gmail, after i'd written a comment on your blog.

so kane was me, just for that day.

weird. sorry for the confusion!!