Sunday, August 16, 2009

Time to Regroup

It has been almost a week now. A couple of sleepless nights. A new plan. More on that in a future post.

A few things that I want to share and then closing this chapter and moving onto the next. First of all, we do not blame anyone for this outcome. We know in our hearts that this baby was simply not healthy enough to carry on. Yes, we are saddened, disappointed and to some extent disheartened, but we have to keep trying. And we will keep trying...not with the same clinic however.

Now, nothing magically changed in our relationship (with the clinic) with the arrival of this news. In fact, the handling of the miscarriage was a mirror image of the 4 months leading up to this event. After several days of thinking, one thing is clear - when you want something from a relationship, you focus on the positive - halo effect of sorts. You recognize the challenges, but you choose to focus on the positive. That is my best characterization. In this relationship, the communication was poor - at times non-existent. It drove me (particularly me more than Steve) crazy! I have written about this more times than I can count. The workload of the small team in this clinic is immense and I am amazed they manage to deliver the service they do today.

If we had carried this baby to term, we would have still said the communication was horrible, but we would have been much more forgiving. I do see attempts to improve. For example, when you email the clinic today, you will receive an auto responder that advises a 48 hour response and direction if you do not receive a response in that time frame. Yes, this is an improvement. I hope continued progress is made. With so many successes to date, they know what they are doing when it comes to assisted reproductive medicine. There is no denying that. If the service component were improved, the total package would be incredible.

So, in closing, we find that moving forward with this particular clinic is both cost prohibitive (2/3 of the surrogacy fees are non-refundable, as per the contract, in a 1st trimester miscarriage) and emotionally prohibitive. I am just not the type that can go weeks on end with no news about my unborn child - just can't handle it. Maybe that's my issue, so I'll 'own' that one. There's no easy way to write this last part and not sound bitter, but it needs to be written - we did not receive one update from the clinic between the 7 week scan and the notification of the miscarriage (5 weeks exactly) and the news of the did we learn of this loss?

In an email.

Chapter closed.


mehdirah said...

I am really shocked when you describe the communication problems with rotunda... I am with SI and now at the end of the first trimester. I am kept up to date with all exams done. OK, there is usually between a few days to one week between the exam and the results. But this is definitely manageable. And Dr. Sudhir reply to my enquiry mails with at most 1 day delay.

At rotunda, you got 5 weeks without any news? Completely mad, busy or not busy, too much is too much! When I read you, I am so happy to have gone with SI!

Take the time to mourn the loss of your child and when you feel it start again...

Todd said...

Wow. 5 weeks of having to assume "no news is good news" is just beyond belief, especially during the first trimester. This must have been an absolutely devastating Email to receive.

Have you really not bad even a single test result during that time? I just counted up our reports that we've received since our transfer, and we've had 30 or so reports of blood tests, urine test, scans, etc. up to about 12 weeks. I got many of these as soon as they received the hard copy of the report, usually no more than 1 or 2 business days. Maybe some of the difference is we're pregnant with twins and so it is automatically a higher risk pregnancy which they monitor more closely, however it seems mehdirah's experience with a singleton is similar. But... wow...

We've had few pregnancy issues along the way (spotting, vanishing triplet, etc.), and I've usually heard back quite quickly about any questions I've had. I'm completely confident that our doctors have been right on top of things... they are have always been a step or two ahead of me with addressing any concerns.

I wish you the very best, and for whichever choice you make for your next steps, I am sure your eyes are wide open.

Kerrie and Mark said...

I hate to see this. I am so sorry things ended the way they did and by email just makes it worse. You can move forward, when you are ready and next time will be better.

Mandy said...

I'm happy to see you guys posting because it is really hard to do and some days to even get outta bed at times. I have to say we had decided to change clinics for the SAME reason, lack of (or none) communication. We took sometime off and arfe going for round #2 with a different clinic. I know no clinic is perfect but at least answer my emails...glad to see u guys going for another try...we will be with you guys in spirit and keeping u in our prayers.

jon said...

Terry and Steve

I am absolutely speechless at what you wrote about the communication of your sad news. It is totally unacceptable and there is no excuse whatsoever for their poor communication.

I believe the cause of this is their volume these days. They are dealing with numbers that are way beyond their capacity and the laxness in standards, especially comunication, is starting to cause some bad feelings amongst clients. I have been referring a lot of clients to them but am going to reevaluate doing that until I am convinced that they have the staffing in place to deal with their clients in a professional and respectful manner.

I sent a private note to the clinic owner about this as I felt he needed to be aware of how you were treated. If you would like to see his response when he sends it please send me your email address and I will share his comments. I know that doesn't change anything for you and your loss but they do owe you an apology for the poor communication and insensitivity.

Best of luck with your future plans

Johnny and Darren said...

Terry & Steve,

We are both so happy that you are proceeding with another clinic. To have ben told of you loss in an email in not accetable, period.

The disconnect many IPs talk of is very common given the distance between us and our clinic, surrogate and doctors. We are both thankful for regular & open communication with our clinic.

Everyone on this roller coaster ride that is surrogacy has their own opinion and comments to make about their clinic vs others out there & one does have to focus on the positives.

We have nothing but positive things to say of our chosen clinic & will sing their praises to anyone who will listen.

jon said...

Johnny and Darren

There is always room for improvement for all of these clinics... And given the misfortune these guys have suffered, I don't think this is the appropriate time or thread to be plugging other clinics.

Best to both of you

Doug and Bill said...

Terry and Steve,
I know you guys will have a baby soon, no matter which clinic you choose. We wish you much luck with everything and hopefully we can remain in contact. Bill and I have appreciated your encouragement and advice along this difficult but ultimately rewarding journey.

I remember what Sheryl Crowe wrote in one of her songs...(sorry I'm such a sucker for lyrics):

"No one said it would be easy
But no one said it'd be this hard
No one said it would be easy
No one thought we'd come this far"

Looking forward to reading more on the blog. Oh, and if you need any more information on cryoshipping let me know!

Aloha, Doug

Mommy said...

Terry and Steve,

After years if infertility, losses, IVF and two negatives in India (one w/ Rotunda, one w/ SI), my empathetic heart breaks for you.

Please always remember that you are destined to be fathers and are just treading this hard path until you hold your very special baby in your arms. Don't stop your forward motion; your baby is waiting.

Being that I also started with Rotunda and moved to SI, please feel free to contact me if you'd like a sounding board.

Big hugs,